Buy work House of XLVII

Goodbye for now… hopefully

I really tried not to come on facebook to exploit what the fuck has been going on for the past few days. But due to some concerns among some people I feel i am morally obligated to make a post about it. And i know not all care or will even bother to read this but i prefer this than sending 40 private messages that will just annoy me. So this note is all you are getting. 

Over the weekend I’ve made a boo boo. A really bad boo boo. The term will be “fell off the wagon” but this wagon not being the consumption of alcohol but the side effects on possibly the most common mental disease. And for reasons beyond my comprehension i am still here. I am a bit ashamed of me going so low but im not that proud to be alive either. Cant really say whats my mental stability at the moment but i am here for the time being. It might of been me being a bit cocky… Thinking i overcame it. Hell i was even on a 4 years attempt free and thought that it would be eradicated within a few more years. Hopefully ill get to that point again but ill highly doubt. 

I will not tell you guys why the relapse occurred. That without of a doubt is none of your business. Quite frankly my family doenst even know about this and i even blocked them from the post cause i want to keep this is rather “Low key to high alert people” as possible. Don’t be a “hero” and try to escort this letter to them. For that is not your place and indeed none of your business. And i ask you to respect and accept this letter for what it is. 

I am writing this letter for a few reasons. One of them is to tell the mass majority of people that i am alive. 

I AM ALIVE. I DID NOT DIE FROM SUICIDE OVER THE WEEKEND. ALTHOUGH “SAD” IN THE EYES OF SOME PEOPLE, IT’S PRETTY FUCKING PREDICTABLE AT THIS POINT. THIS IS NOT A TRICK. THIS IS NOT A PRE-MEDITATED MESSAGE. THIS IS BEING WRITTEN AS IS THE DAY PROGRESSES I AM INDEED ALIVE… AS IN NOT DEAD 

The second reason is to kinda have a heart to heart with you guys, considering thats the type of shit i do. The third being what i am doing now and where am i going. And the final reason is that “What can you do to help?” 

It has come to my attention that some people i associate myself with think i am a fucking naive idiot. That alot of things i do are for my own personal benefit. That this is all just a cry for attention in more ways than one. Well first thats a very valid accusation but please feel free to kiss my ass with your stupid and rather ignorant thoughts about my life and my personality. I really dont care about these things but i find this to be the time to inform you of what i hear behind closed doors. 

First im a very paranoid person it’s in my nature. I constantly think about the negative perceptions. It’s safe to say that knowing what i do wrong in the sense that it is just unhealthy and cancerous to me as a person helps me amend myself to become a better person there is nothing wrong with that. But when it comes to things that some of you people use when you guys are having you’re little gossip sessions about people in the place of your choosing for reasons i dont wanna know. If by any means i do die, allow me to clear some things up. We are all stereotypes, contradictions, hypocrites, liars, naive artist of some sort. We are all ignorant to things and will be blatantly ignorant to shit in life due to our ever clashing personalities. Its nothing to be upset for and its something i will never be ashamed of. Its something that we all have has human beings. The unique  indifferences  we have bring upon common problems. I can understand your confusion. IM not the easiest person to get along with but nonetheless but a great portion is not of me. At least in my opinion. Im pretty straight forward in my actions, responsibilities, and antics. Some people really put too much metaphorical shit in what i do in which is kind of ironic cause i am a poet of more metaphorical taste. Or maybe its what i get. I did my fare share of evil. But its all good. I find some joy in what i do and how i am with others. And quite frankly thats all that matters to me. Being as selfless as i can possibly be has been kinda the piece that held me together for so long. And if i live, im not changing that. 

As you guys might of noticed i am taking a break from facebook… and just about every other form of social media. Friday and Saturday was just on  impulse  after the attempt but i find some peace in not being on facebook. I dont know what it is precisely but we are going to go with me not killing myself from the ratchet shit that makes me done with the internet. Its not a fix to make me happy but its something for now. There is not much that annoys me in this world but almost all of them are on the internet. And sometimes i need to depart myself from the stupid belligerent mother fuckers.  I still love you stupid belligerent mother fuckers but you indeed need to be informed that you are STUPID BELLIGERENT MOTHER FUCKERSand you give me headaches. And  i dont like headaches so if i can easily avoid headaches by backing up from you guys then shiiiiiiiitttttt that sounds like a plan. And oh in regards to my last statement. If you feel offended and want to question me if YOU are indeed part of the super group of stupid belligerent motherfuckers. Allow me to say this now as a rebuttal statement to anything you may throw at me. 

IF YOU ARE QUESTIONING ME ABOUT THE STUPID BELLIGERENT MOTHER FUCKERS. YOU MIGHT BE ANGRY… BUT YOU ARE PROBABLY OVER THINKING THE SITUATION IN THUS CONGRATULATIONS YOU CAN INDUCT YOURSELF IN THE GROUP! But seriously if you’re feeling some type of way ask me. Ill tell you. And if you dont believe me than too fucking bad. 

But also in my disappearance from facebook i have received numerous messages regarding my well being from the note on tumblr. So i didnt read your message for a while and i apologize. If you have other ways of contacting me that will be preferred from now on. If not ill be on facebook  per  solely   to check my messages to see if you exchanged any other info with me. 

But the main question for me is what am i really gonna do now? I dont know. This feeling i got might seem normal but i dont trust it. Instability is normal with me so maybe im just paranoid or maybe im preparing for the worse but i got my own set of goals business wise i figured to focus on that for the time being. No mean to get cocky but i do have some talents for people to see ;). 

Regardless of all there is absolutely, positivity, N O T H I N G you can do about it. Im pretty adamant about the choices im making and i must go. So i say goodbye. For some is only for the time being. For others for good. Cause i’m not going to be completely blind to the fact that i might lose a few people from this, from my past or from waiting. In which i tell you dont but thats self explanatory. Ill live my life you dont have to and shouldnt worry. You guys got lives and jobs and school to worry about. I got my life. And if this is the last time you ever do hear from me (aka i die for any reason including suicide) dont fret. Dont care. Accept it and move on. Lets not act like i was a big difference or inspirational figure in your lives. Dont feel guilt, sadness or any of that shit i just advise you to go on with your lives. It shouldnt take a death for you to care about someone. Im no different then the air you breath in. For granted but its nice to have around from time to tim. Please bare with me im trying to make this one more… funny in a way. I find it awkward that im trying to be funny in a time where i might kill myself and the only thing you might have left is memories and rants on facebook and tumblr. It’s all good im not gonna think too much of it. You guys just live prosperous, the rest of the shit you want will come later. 

Love you all,
Matthias. 

P.S and also fuck you all… cause i find it utterly confusing for me to gain a shit ton of followers on tumblr when i post my suicide note. I guess the slow and painful self destruction of a human being is the IN topic among the vast majority of freshmen college students, sex workers, and high schoolers when they are not insulting Iggy and praising Supernatural or Sherlock… its whatever… just… intriguing. 

ok im done. Farewell (hopefully not for good)

A Few Days Without Incident

Lets talk about why we’re here. We’re here cause certain events that transpired over the weekend didnt transpire completely.
And i wish i had a intelligent pre-written politician like answer. I wish i had an answer period. Cause the point of a suicide note is to not live past the note.and you’re listening like im throwing the word around. Like imma die today and wake up tomorrow,
Fuck you i know where i stand with the shit ok. It just so happens death told me not today. Dont know if im grateful or regretful
Maybe im both. Who cares now my self pity is depriving me of sleep. And its sunny and my room is dirty. So relapsing again is out the question. At least for today it is. I cant find the sheet and this blanket’s too thick. Dammit matt you cant do anything right shit. Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with me… Maybe i just want peace. When other people want a conscious to protect them from nonsense. And im not a parent. Dont you tell kids to look up to me. Look at me im rambling. Nothing makes sense. This is gonna get taken out of context. Like the rest of this week. The only things im great at is fucking up. Being a fuck up, and getting fucked over. Its evident being a pushover is a negative trait i tried to eradicate. But when i start making my own fucking decisions im antagonized.
Like its wrong for me for wanting to be my own effect in something that i played part of causing. I dont think so.

You get frustrated with me and say it makes no sense. Like how can your chipper ass be so sad all the time at the drop of a dime? it shouldnt make sense to you, Cause its not my life that your living. Of corse the shit makes sense to me,
Why do i have to explain myself to your standards of liking? Why am i wrong? Why we have the argument on how stupid it is to kill myself and not what may be potentially the cause of me trying to kill myself. You wouldnt know that cause people dont take the fucking time to at least try to figure it out. Dont get mad cause i stopped giving a fuck about how would you feel when i take my life.

The whole theory of it is pretty self explanatory. The most common argument i get is “Suicide is selfish”. You’re proving the whole point of a person killing themselves for many reasons. Lets talk about how first off thats stating the fucking obvious. Suicide or death by self harm is SELF. Surely there are some crimes that convict people for causing or contributing on someone killing themselves. But calling me selfish for ending my life for whatever reason, weather pre-meditated or on impulse which both is common is not helping me not killing myself. You’re actually becoming a part of the problem. If positivity is one of the main things that helps people overcome depression. How the fuck is insulting that person helping. Tough love? That shit sounds retarded and is more risky than anything. You wouldnt toss a 60 inch tv up the flight of stairs cause you know it would most likely break. You have value and care for that appliance . Why would you demean someone for reaching their breaking point. I’ve seen people die off it. Eleven years i always keep up on someone killing themselves. It never gets easier cause we look at the problem as the victim when we need to be looking at the problem which is life itself. Ive been unfortunate enough to survive the shit by myself with a few exceptions but they’re dead or gone. I took myself to the hospital, got myself evaluated. Did things switched up my whole personality in midst of defeating this. And i say unfortunate cause everyone that dared killed themselves is a better person than me. You cant tell me different. They’re kids that are dead that were more talented. More adored, more respected more straight in life than me that died. And im here. The fuck i do right. Why am i holding a spot on the planet where we need more humans not matthews.

People think its weak to kill yourself. Nigga have you killed someone? Ended a life. Shit i almost did. I was there contemplating buying a pistol and killing a few niggas. Lying to my mother and shit to save. But that failed. But back to the topic. Taking a life is hard. Especially your first one. I know a few people that had to put a few people down. And its the same answer. And with some of them are suicidal like me and if it was that easy they would of been did it. Its hard to take your life. Why you think alot of the times its quick or placed where they cant stop it. Cause their bodies will try to stop them cause its a natural reaction towards death. Look at what happened to me. Death by strangling and suffocation. Whichever comes first. I didnt handcuff myself or anything like that to stop me from stopping myself naturally but it wasnt cause i wanted to live. Trust, i was as far from wanting to live than ever.

There’s no telling what the future holds for me. I cant sit here and tell you i have a change of heart about my current self destructive lifestyle. Not really knowing if im not gonna live past tomorrow or 25. my words are mighty powerful and detrimental towards my life and im sure it will be teh end of me… i think… or maybe ill live and the past 11 years will truly mean nothing and imma be god knows how old . Im going to live and die with my regrets. Either regretting being alive or regretting being suicidal for so long. Dont bother waiting for me to make that decision.

I Relapsed Today.


I cant sleep. I couldnt sleep. I got home today and wanted sleep. I go to sleep in my living room and got kicked out. I try to go to sleep in my bed but i tossed and turned. For fucking hours i tossed and turned. So i said fuck it. Took one of the fucking bed sheets. Wrapped that shit around my fucking neck to the point where the only sound i heard was the blood thumping towards my fucking head tied that bitch somewhere. Engulf the fucking blanket over my body (face included) so i can fucking suffocate cause i want sleep. That edge is something ive been close with before… Miss every second of that shit. Body started tweaking like it wants to live and shit eyes got red and my face was blue probably. But none of that matters cause even with all that im still awake. 

Why? Fucking why? Thats all i wanna know. Sleep is good for you. It preserves the body. Grants you morning breath, makes me think im dead for a few hours. There is nothing wrong with it. Sleep never did anything wrong to me. Sleep never gave pills and razors and told me to kill myself cause YOU cheated. Sleep never did that. Sleep never killed my friends prematurely a week into his senior year of high school. Sleep never raped. Sleep never fucking ridiculed me. Sleep never isolated me. Sleep never lied a profile and fake identity to make people like you cause of your own bullshit ass insecurities that i dont give two shits about at this point. Sleep never made me sneak a gun in through metal detectors. Sleep never divided a house. Sleep is the only piece of peace i get in this fucking world why the fuck you mother fuckers gotta take that away from me?…. I want my fucking answer with fucking MLA format double spaced You cant tell me i deserve this. 

You niggas think i like this shit? You think i like breathing when i can give my life to someone else? You think i like pain? Am i fucking immune to the trails and tribulations that the majority of humans live with? No. Thats not the problem. I just want fucking sleep. Consistent terminal sleep. Am i wrong for that? I guess i am since siucide on this planet is frowned apron like its our choice. Surely in my case its premeditated but when some random chick gets rapped she didnt to take dick but she took it. But we blame the victim like its a sure fire answer to this shit. You think its easy being depressed? You think depression is just me being sad all the fucking time? You fuckers dont see the shit you try to do to get out the shit. Been dealing with this shit for about 11 years. I lost my childhood cause of this shit. I lost friends to this shit. Everyone of them ngigas were self proclaimed “Ride or Die Niggas”. You know, the stereotype everyone wants to be. The shit the majority of people claim but tell the niggas that is trying to kill you where your college is at. Where your ex stays at when you still had feelings. I dont try to be shit. If i care about you. If i feel you deserve me being in the front lines with glock out willing to sacrifice myself if need be for your happiness and prosperity ill do so. Loyalty comes in burst. If you did something stupid im not afraid to say its your fault and leave you be. Niggas is not gonna bail you out forever. And dont get it fucked up, Me asking how your day was, whats wrong, or listening to your problems doenst mean im in the trenches with you. You think its all fine and easier to hold that shit in and what not but in reality its harder. Im trying to make sure your ass done become a reincarnation of me cause of it. Dont want, dont need to see another me or someone like me. Shit becomes disheartening. I dont want anyones life expectancy to shorten cause of it. 

I’ve lost people cause of this shit, potential relationships to this shit. Woman and bitches i extended sides of me that i dont tend to give out that easily. All failed. I use bitches cause  not all of them were worth it. Trail and error. No other words no other fucking explanation needed. It donest matter how much you care, how much you want (or think you need the person cause you’re pussy or dick blinded). You gonna get burned fucking around with that shit. I want someone, yet i still dont know if i actually want a relationship. And at this point dont care anymore. Imma not give a fuck if she reads this or niggas pass it to her. Cause quite frankly its a dead issue. i fucking refused to have another conversation about this. Well its not like im gonna live past this letter anyway but Like i think of plenty of reasons of why its a bad idea. 
    1. No girl wants the Tony Stark of suicide. Shit is not cute. 
    2. Im scared of failing 
    3. Scared of falling 
    4. Not economical stable to handle gf, my bills, house bills.. yet. 
    5. Children 
and thats just some im thinking off the top of my head. Its pretty cuttthroat when it comes to this shit. 

But to get back to topic, Sleep is probably the most precious thing i have. Hell its arguably the only thing i get left. And im gonna stick with it. or atleast try to. Why break up a good thing? Me sleeping would be just like me now. Pretty much transparent. We made them evident in our words our worlds dont mix. So why fault me for not being you. I thought people respect individuality although im nothing too unique.  Externally im about as bland and naive as Kenneth  from 30 Rock. Internally is pretty self explanatory in this letter i mean. I want to end my life its not rocket science. It’s kinda common when you think about it. Optimism could work but without the support it goes nowhere. Also like i told a friend of mine. We fight losing battles. 

And fuck your opinions about this. Im tired of hearing it. Cause if push comes to shove if i would of died yesterday you wouldnt give a shit. Hell none of you niggas would of even known til like at least a week later. When my family makes a statement and it finally makes it rounds on facebook or some shit like that. And i dont want fucking false care. No R.I.P’s No posthumous quotes or post on facebook or any social media website. Dont send any fucking condolence.  I dont want my family getting filled with your bullshit thinking i was cared for by the entire fucking population of people i associated with when i wasnt. Dont you let your care and sympathies of my death come out of self guilt or pity. Do you like you always did. Its no different once gone dont get it twisted with this “imma remember you” shit with me. I know what i am. The some-what funny comic relief. And i know the comic relief isnt going to be remember like Malcolm X. It’s predictable that my demise comes thinking that i only did good in this world. But i did my fare share of evil. And thus is another reason for my request for my demise and silence after. 

I can sit here and bitch with my words leading with “Dont judge me”. But thats bullshit and hypercritical. We all do. It’s what makes us “Not like” a person or Love a person. We past judgement on people to figure out where they sit in our lives. Sometimes deliberately sometimes sub consciously others out of no where but it happens and we cant fight it. I can say i can care less on how im judged tho. Cause it is what it is you fuckers arent gonna take the time to figure out facts or become part of the solution you can politely get on your knees and suck my dick. 

But to very VERY short list of people that care about me (or i think lol). This is a personal attack on you. This is business at this point. 11 years of fight that took almost everything from me i thank you for staying. Through the bullshit, the near misses, the heartaches. The physical side of depression. I know im not easy to deal with, and i know im more attractive when i dont talk. But im  better with the smile. and i already know how you guys will see this. You have good lives ahead of you. Surely noone is perfect. But we have one thing we’re perfect at.  suicide  is my perfection. Its about time i do my work. Its been fun but im tired. 


Dont pray for me just live,
:) #LongliveMatthias

I Relapsed Today.


I cant sleep. I couldnt sleep. I got home today and wanted sleep. I go to sleep in my living room and got kicked out. I try to go to sleep in my bed but i tossed and turned. For fucking hours i tossed and turned. So i said fuck it. Took one of the fucking bed sheets. Wrapped that shit around my fucking neck to the point where the only sound i heard was the blood thumping towards my fucking head tied that bitch somewhere. Engulf the fucking blanket over my body (face included) so i can fucking suffocate cause i want sleep. That edge is something ive been close with before… Miss every second of that shit. Body started tweaking like it wants to live and shit eyes got red and my face was blue probably. But none of that matters cause even with all that im still awake. 

Why? Fucking why? Thats all i wanna know. Sleep is good for you. It preserves the body. Grants you morning breath, makes me think im dead for a few hours. There is nothing wrong with it. Sleep never did anything wrong to me. Sleep never gave pills and razors and told me to kill myself cause YOU cheated. Sleep never did that. Sleep never killed my friends prematurely a week into his senior year of high school. Sleep never raped. Sleep never fucking ridiculed me. Sleep never isolated me. Sleep never lied a profile and fake identity to make people like you cause of your own bullshit ass insecurities that i dont give two shits about at this point. Sleep never made me sneak a gun in through metal detectors. Sleep never divided a house. Sleep is the only piece of peace i get in this fucking world why the fuck you mother fuckers gotta take that away from me?…. I want my fucking answer with fucking MLA format double spaced You cant tell me i deserve this. 

You niggas think i like this shit? You think i like breathing when i can give my life to someone else? You think i like pain? Am i fucking immune to the trails and tribulations that the majority of humans live with? No. Thats not the problem. I just want fucking sleep. Consistent terminal sleep. Am i wrong for that? I guess i am since siucide on this planet is frowned apron like its our choice. Surely in my case its premeditated but when some random chick gets rapped she didnt to take dick but she took it. But we blame the victim like its a sure fire answer to this shit. You think its easy being depressed? You think depression is just me being sad all the fucking time? You fuckers dont see the shit you try to do to get out the shit. Been dealing with this shit for about 11 years. I lost my childhood cause of this shit. I lost friends to this shit. Everyone of them ngigas were self proclaimed “Ride or Die Niggas”. You know, the stereotype everyone wants to be. The shit the majority of people claim but tell the niggas that is trying to kill you where your college is at. Where your ex stays at when you still had feelings. I dont try to be shit. If i care about you. If i feel you deserve me being in the front lines with glock out willing to sacrifice myself if need be for your happiness and prosperity ill do so. Loyalty comes in burst. If you did something stupid im not afraid to say its your fault and leave you be. Niggas is not gonna bail you out forever. And dont get it fucked up, Me asking how your day was, whats wrong, or listening to your problems doenst mean im in the trenches with you. You think its all fine and easier to hold that shit in and what not but in reality its harder. Im trying to make sure your ass done become a reincarnation of me cause of it. Dont want, dont need to see another me or someone like me. Shit becomes disheartening. I dont want anyones life expectancy to shorten cause of it. 

I’ve lost people cause of this shit, potential relationships to this shit. Woman and bitches i extended sides of me that i dont tend to give out that easily. All failed. I use bitches cause  not all of them were worth it. Trail and error. No other words no other fucking explanation needed. It donest matter how much you care, how much you want (or think you need the person cause you’re pussy or dick blinded). You gonna get burned fucking around with that shit. I want someone, yet i still dont know if i actually want a relationship. And at this point dont care anymore. Imma not give a fuck if she reads this or niggas pass it to her. Cause quite frankly its a dead issue. i fucking refused to have another conversation about this. Well its not like im gonna live past this letter anyway but Like i think of plenty of reasons of why its a bad idea. 
    1. No girl wants the Tony Stark of suicide. Shit is not cute. 
    2. Im scared of failing 
    3. Scared of falling 
    4. Not economical stable to handle gf, my bills, house bills.. yet. 
    5. Children 
and thats just some im thinking off the top of my head. Its pretty cuttthroat when it comes to this shit. 

But to get back to topic, Sleep is probably the most precious thing i have. Hell its arguably the only thing i get left. And im gonna stick with it. or atleast try to. Why break up a good thing? Me sleeping would be just like me now. Pretty much transparent. We made them evident in our words our worlds dont mix. So why fault me for not being you. I thought people respect individuality although im nothing too unique.  Externally im about as bland and naive as Kenneth  from 30 Rock. Internally is pretty self explanatory in this letter i mean. I want to end my life its not rocket science. It’s kinda common when you think about it. Optimism could work but without the support it goes nowhere. Also like i told a friend of mine. We fight losing battles. 

And fuck your opinions about this. Im tired of hearing it. Cause if push comes to shove if i would of died yesterday you wouldnt give a shit. Hell none of you niggas would of even known til like at least a week later. When my family makes a statement and it finally makes it rounds on facebook or some shit like that. And i dont want fucking false care. No R.I.P’s No posthumous quotes or post on facebook or any social media website. Dont send any fucking condolence.  I dont want my family getting filled with your bullshit thinking i was cared for by the entire fucking population of people i associated with when i wasnt. Dont you let your care and sympathies of my death come out of self guilt or pity. Do you like you always did. Its no different once gone dont get it twisted with this “imma remember you” shit with me. I know what i am. The some-what funny comic relief. And i know the comic relief isnt going to be remember like Malcolm X. It’s predictable that my demise comes thinking that i only did good in this world. But i did my fare share of evil. And thus is another reason for my request for my demise and silence after. 

I can sit here and bitch with my words leading with “Dont judge me”. But thats bullshit and hypercritical. We all do. It’s what makes us “Not like” a person or Love a person. We past judgement on people to figure out where they sit in our lives. Sometimes deliberately sometimes sub consciously others out of no where but it happens and we cant fight it. I can say i can care less on how im judged tho. Cause it is what it is you fuckers arent gonna take the time to figure out facts or become part of the solution you can politely get on your knees and suck my dick. 

But to very VERY short list of people that care about me (or i think lol). This is a personal attack on you. This is business at this point. 11 years of fight that took almost everything from me i thank you for staying. Through the bullshit, the near misses, the heartaches. The physical side of depression. I know im not easy to deal with, and i know im more attractive when i dont talk. But im  better with the smile. and i already know how you guys will see this. You have good lives ahead of you. Surely noone is perfect. But we have one thing we’re perfect at.  suicide  is my perfection. Its about time i do my work. Its been fun but im tired. 


Dont pray for me just live,
:) #LongliveMatthias

I Relapsed Today.

I cant sleep. I couldnt sleep. I got home today and wanted sleep. I go to sleep in my living room and got kicked out. I try to go to sleep in my bed but i tossed and turned. For fucking hours i tossed and turned. So i said fuck it. Took one of the fucking bed sheets. Wrapped that shit around my fucking neck to the point where the only sound i heard was the blood thumping towards my fucking head tied that bitch somewhere. Engulf the fucking blanket over my body (face included) so i can fucking suffocate cause i want sleep. That edge is something ive been close with before… Miss every second of that shit. Body started tweaking like it wants to live and shit eyes got red and my face was blue probably. But none of that matters cause even with all that im still awake. 

Why? Fucking why? Thats all i wanna know. Sleep is good for you. It preserves the body. Grants you morning breath, makes me think im dead for a few hours. There is nothing wrong with it. Sleep never did anything wrong to me. Sleep never gave pills and razors and told me to kill myself cause YOU cheated. Sleep never did that. Sleep never killed my friends prematurely a week into his senior year of high school. Sleep never raped. Sleep never fucking ridiculed me. Sleep never isolated me. Sleep never lied a profile and fake identity to make people like you cause of your own bullshit ass insecurities that i dont give two shits about at this point. Sleep never made me sneak a gun in through metal detectors. Sleep never divided a house. Sleep is the only piece of peace i get in this fucking world why the fuck you mother fuckers gotta take that away from me?…. I want my fucking answer with fucking MLA format double spaced You cant tell me i deserve this. 

You niggas think i like this shit? You think i like breathing when i can give my life to someone else? You think i like pain? Am i fucking immune to the trails and tribulations that the majority of humans live with? No. Thats not the problem. I just want fucking sleep. Consistent terminal sleep. Am i wrong for that? I guess i am since siucide on this planet is frowned apron like its our choice. Surely in my case its premeditated but when some random chick gets rapped she didnt to take dick but she took it. But we blame the victim like its a sure fire answer to this shit. You think its easy being depressed? You think depression is just me being sad all the fucking time? You fuckers dont see the shit you try to do to get out the shit. Been dealing with this shit for about 11 years. I lost my childhood cause of this shit. I lost friends to this shit. Everyone of them ngigas were self proclaimed “Ride or Die Niggas”. You know, the stereotype everyone wants to be. The shit the majority of people claim but tell the niggas that is trying to kill you where your college is at. Where your ex stays at when you still had feelings. I dont try to be shit. If i care about you. If i feel you deserve me being in the front lines with glock out willing to sacrifice myself if need be for your happiness and prosperity ill do so. Loyalty comes in burst. If you did something stupid im not afraid to say its your fault and leave you be. Niggas is not gonna bail you out forever. And dont get it fucked up, Me asking how your day was, whats wrong, or listening to your problems doenst mean im in the trenches with you. You think its all fine and easier to hold that shit in and what not but in reality its harder. Im trying to make sure your ass done become a reincarnation of me cause of it. Dont want, dont need to see another me or someone like me. Shit becomes disheartening. I dont want anyones life expectancy to shorten cause of it. 

I’ve lost people cause of this shit, potential relationships to this shit. Woman and bitches i extended sides of me that i dont tend to give out that easily. All failed. I use bitches cause  not all of them were worth it. Trail and error. No other words no other fucking explanation needed. It donest matter how much you care, how much you want (or think you need the person cause you’re pussy or dick blinded). You gonna get burned fucking around with that shit. I want someone, yet i still dont know if i actually want a relationship. And at this point dont care anymore. Imma not give a fuck if she reads this or niggas pass it to her. Cause quite frankly its a dead issue. i fucking refused to have another conversation about this. Well its not like im gonna live past this letter anyway but Like i think of plenty of reasons of why its a bad idea. 
    1. No girl wants the Tony Stark of suicide. Shit is not cute. 
    2. Im scared of failing 
    3. Scared of falling 
    4. Not economical stable to handle gf, my bills, house bills.. yet. 
    5. Children 
and thats just some im thinking off the top of my head. Its pretty cuttthroat when it comes to this shit. 

But to get back to topic, Sleep is probably the most precious thing i have. Hell its arguably the only thing i get left. And im gonna stick with it. or atleast try to. Why break up a good thing? Me sleeping would be just like me now. Pretty much transparent. We made them evident in our words our worlds dont mix. So why fault me for not being you. I thought people respect individuality although im nothing too unique.  Externally im about as bland and naive as Kenneth  from 30 Rock. Internally is pretty self explanatory in this letter i mean. I want to end my life its not rocket science. It’s kinda common when you think about it. Optimism could work but without the support it goes nowhere. Also like i told a friend of mine. We fight losing battles. 

And fuck your opinions about this. Im tired of hearing it. Cause if push comes to shove if i would of died yesterday you wouldnt give a shit. Hell none of you niggas would of even known til like at least a week later. When my family makes a statement and it finally makes it rounds on facebook or some shit like that. And i dont want fucking false care. No R.I.P’s No posthumous quotes or post on facebook or any social media website. Dont send any fucking condolence.  I dont want my family getting filled with your bullshit thinking i was cared for by the entire fucking population of people i associated with when i wasnt. Dont you let your care and sympathies of my death come out of self guilt or pity. Do you like you always did. Its no different once gone dont get it twisted with this “imma remember you” shit with me. I know what i am. The some-what funny comic relief. And i know the comic relief isnt going to be remember like Malcolm X. It’s predictable that my demise comes thinking that i only did good in this world. But i did my fare share of evil. And thus is another reason for my request for my demise and silence after. 

I can sit here and bitch with my words leading with “Dont judge me”. But thats bullshit and hypercritical. We all do. It’s what makes us “Not like” a person or Love a person. We past judgement on people to figure out where they sit in our lives. Sometimes deliberately sometimes sub consciously others out of no where but it happens and we cant fight it. I can say i can care less on how im judged tho. Cause it is what it is you fuckers arent gonna take the time to figure out facts or become part of the solution you can politely get on your knees and suck my dick. 

But to very VERY short list of people that care about me (or i think lol). This is a personal attack on you. This is business at this point. 11 years of fight that took almost everything from me i thank you for staying. Through the bullshit, the near misses, the heartaches. The physical side of depression. I know im not easy to deal with, and i know im more attractive when i dont talk. But im  better with the smile. and i already know how you guys will see this. You have good lives ahead of you. Surely noone is perfect. But we have one thing we’re perfect at.  suicide  is my perfection. Its about time i do my work. Its been fun but im tired. 


Dont pray for me just live,
:) #LongliveMatthias

w-y-s-f:

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(Source: bl-ossomed, via unstartling)